Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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