I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
