the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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