I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
