so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
