Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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