That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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