God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize