her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
