areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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