I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
