My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Pappa wants mamma naked
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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