someone threw a dead crab at me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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