just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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