I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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