Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
