Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
