I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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