I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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