I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
