we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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