omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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