There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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