Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
