he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize