You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hippo gnu deer
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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