There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
