so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
