Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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