I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
