Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
