his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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