I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
