Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
