Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
