The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
