nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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