Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
