What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
