Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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