The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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