We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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