My balls are so social today.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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