I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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