Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
