Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
