Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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