if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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