Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
