You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
