A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
