If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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