I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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