The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize