i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
my liver is dry heaving
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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