Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
