He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
