So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
