Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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