2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
