I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
