Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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