It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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